"Dear Dan, my husband is away from home mid week due to work. He only comes home at the weekends. I have two sons, one seven years old and the other is three. They fight constantly from Monday to Friday but are like angels around my husband. What can I do?"

This is a question that recently came through the editor's desk. Working from the few, scanty details provided, I will have a go at assisting this mother, whom I'll call Mary. I'll approach it from a few separate angles.

Detail: ordinarily, this "What can I do?" question would only be asked after a conversation between Parent and Coach which would be used to uncover relevant facts, background information, feelings, hopes, fears, stories, desires and goals. Here, now, we have an enormous lack of detail. For instance, is Mary's husband their father? I will work on the basis that he is. Is the boys' fighting likely to end up in injury or damage? Is it increasing in frequency? Where in the house do they fight? If a seven-year-old fights a three-year-old, the outcome ought to be pretty predictable. Yes?

So, Mary would seem to have either a very resilient three-year-old, an older boy who is bordering on being a tyrant, or a pair of brothers that get their energy and emotions out through fighting, where it doesn't matter that much to either of them who emerges as the 'winner'.

Objectivity: I suspect a shortness of objectivity from her when she says that her sons are "constantly," that they "are like angels" around her husband. "Constantly" fighting means that the children fight at home, at school (if they are attending), while shopping, at night, and – simply - everywhere. I accept that it probably feels that way to Mary. But would an objective observer report differently? Can any pair of boys – people? – fight constantly? Again, I'll surmise that she finds this "constant" fighting to be a source of major stress.

Goals: Mary doesn't say what she wants out of this situation. Does she want her children to not fight "constantly?" Or perhaps her preference would be for her husband to be at home more often at night, perhaps working closer to 'base.' Boys engaging in a lot of fighting, stressful as it is for Mary, isn't necessarily the worst-case scenario. Who wins? What triggers the fights? What hurt or damage results? Does Mary want less fighting, no fighting, fighting of a different kind, or does she want an immediate end, or a gradual tapering off? What outcome does her husband want? Does he know? Does he understand? Does he care, really?

Family systems: What part does Mary's husband play as a parent? Do Mary and her man fight over the "constant" fighting between the two sons? Are the parents working off the same hymn-sheet when it comes to family rules, house rules, home rules, and family, house and home values? Do Mary and her man fight? Compared to respectful, rules-bounded conversations and discussions, how much of the parents' communications are conducted through fighting, arguing, silences, recriminations, or blocking out of the other? What parts does Mary play in the fights: in their formation, beginning, duration, ending, resolution, causes and consequences?