When it comes to parenting and your home, there can be only one acceptable answer to the question, "Who’s the boss here?"
And that answer is, "We, the parents: jointly, we’re the boss!"

As a parent, unless this is a reality in your family, tears will flow. As a parent, unless you are willing daily to assert this as both a reality and a responsibility, tears will flow within your family.

So, when I ask you – if you are a parent – “Who’s the boss in your home?” you need to answer, “I am!” For, the simple reality and truth is, that if you, as parent, ain’t the boss in your home, your child is!

And a child is not fit, cut-out nor designed to be the boss of a home where parents or acceptable adult guardians live. So, say after me, in a bullish, assertive, declarative tone: “I’m the boss!”

Now, let’s be clear about this. As boss, YOU get to decide. Full stop. Period. No discussion. End of story.

However, as the big boss, you can decide pretty well what you want to decide! This includes letting your child make some decisions. I hope that, as your youngsters grow older and bigger, that you are gradually using your boss’s freedom to gradually let your children make more and more important decisions, both in their own lives, and in the life of your family.

As the boss, the power resides within you. Believe me. This is as it should be, as it is designed to be, and as it needs to be. The power resides within the boss.

Just as the person being regularly persecuted by a bully agrees in subtle, unspoken and often unconscious but clear signals that he or she is willing to continue being bullied, you the boss will sometimes let your children know that this might be a moment for successful rebellion. We will all let the reins of power slip occasionally. That’s pretty well all right, believe me.

The trouble will start brewing – has already started? – within your family if you the boss don’t fairly smartly, clearly, authoritatively and decisively take back those very same reins of power. Power resides with the boss. You the boss. Yes?

Discipline, order, security, boundaries, respect, decisiveness, control, immunity to outside attack, healing power, needs-fulfilment, proper giving and receiving of love, forgiveness and support. None of these can adequately happen if you ain’t the boss. And, as we’ve established, if you ain’t the boss, one or more of your children most definitely is!

But wait. There are some families where neither parent is boss, and where none of the children is capable, interested or available to step into the boss-shoes. What happens here?

Sadly, this sort of chaotic, unhealthy and disturbed family has any number of bosses. None of these have the best interests of either the family or of any of its members at heart. Bosses from outside – the media, drug pushers, paedophiles, robbers, bullies, abusers, gangs, vengeful or misguided people – are almost always extremely bad news.

So, parent, get this straight today: your family needs you to be the boss. To be the boss always and ever. It may take more courage, effort, skills, commitment, savvy or time than you think you either have or are willing to invest, but the boss’s role awaits you. But, this is what you signed up to, irrespective of the path that has brought you to your current parenting role.

It is the boss’s job to create, impose and require order, vision, discipline, respect, responsiveness, responsibility, values, rules, expectations, plans, actions and results. In short, that’s your job, as boss.

For, without the boss – you - doing your job, discipline will be a fickle, fierce, ferocious or fair-weather friend in your family. If you cannot regain the reins of power, get help. Soon.

Every day of a child wearing or sharing the mantle of boss without your clear decision that it ought to be so, is a dark, dank, dangerous day in your family. Sometimes, to regain power, the dethroned boss needs to take swift, decisive and overwhelming action. Does your situation require this? If so, get to it now.

So, who’s the Boss?

Dan Arnold Coaches parents through their parenting challenges on a 1-to-1 basis, including telephone coaching. He also presents Talks, Workshops and Seminars on Parenting to Schools, Groups and Companies. Dan can be contacted on 087 – 7506 771, or at This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it

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