If these needs are not met, either mother or daughter is likely to bring ‘on board’ someone else, say, the girl’s father, forming a new triangle of mother-daughter-father. It is inevitable that in any group of three people, there will tend to be two who are close, and one who is relatively distant.

In the above triangle, the mother and father might ‘gang up’ on the daughter, in an attempt to force, cajole or even bribe her into behaving more pleasingly towards and with her mother. The possible outcomes of this triangle are numerous, and none is pretty.

For instance, with father now on board to ‘straighten out’ daughter, the daughter may feel utterly not-understood by and alienated from her parents, and turn to, say, a friend, cousin or other adult. Thus, this new triangle of parents-daughter-friend will only remove the daughter further from either the positive influence of the parents, or the parental safety net provided by her parents, despite the arguing and bickering.

If you are having a fight with a child of yours, resist the urge to bring the other parent in as back-up and extra fire-power for you and your viewpoint. A calm and nurturing triangle of mother-child-father can quickly devolve into a tense triangle, where one person – usually, but not always, the child – feels ganged-up on, overpowered, forced into submission, or more misunderstood. None of which are welcome outcomes.

Sibling rivalry is another common form of a triangle. A second child arrives, and soon or suddenly the first child perceives that the mother is pouring her attention onto the baby, and away from her. So, eldest may form a new coalition with dad, to gain revenge on mum, to feel important, to get back at baby, or, perhaps, to return to that feeling of being the pampered prince of the house.

If possible, stay out of or remove yourself from active, tense triangles, be they in your family, at work, or in leisure pursuits. For, very often, the ‘victim’ can turn ‘persecutor’ on the person who stepped in as the ‘rescuer.’

Aim to bring tense parent-child relationships back to a one-to-one interactions. If you are the parent on the outside, have a cup of tea, sit back, wait, and have a double-sized hug available for later in the day!

Dan Arnold Coaches parents through their parenting challenges on a 1-to-1 basis, including telephone coaching. He also presents Talks, Workshops and Seminars on Parenting to Schools, Groups and Companies. Dan can be contacted on 087 – 7506 771, or at This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it

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