Hello there – and I must say it's nice to be back.
I wrote for the Cork Independent a number of years ago, but much has changed with the paper since then, and I was delighted to be asked to join Deirdre and her team. This column gives me an opportunity to share with you in print, the thoughts – and maybe even a few observations - that don't (or some might say shouldn't!) make it onto the radio

I was looking around for a topic to start the ball rolling, and then one fell straight into my lap. There's been a lot of particularly nasty crime around lately – what with the Lillis case and all that went with it, and of course the brutal 'gangland style' killing of Topper Staunton in Wilton. There was plenty there to write about, if the mood took me.

However, the crime that really caught my imagination last week was, in fact, one which went so wrong, as to be hilarious. This one has already booked its place in the Review of The Year!

When Barry (our news editor at 96fm) rang from the Newsroom he could hardly contain himself – he was in stitches as he described to me how thieves had ripped an ATM out of the wall on Model Farm Road, in the early hours of the morning, only to discover that it was empty.

That, in itself was funny – but the next bit was priceless! The machine, in a Texaco garage, was out of service, and had been since the start of December. But – it gets even better still – because the ATM had, in fact, been decommissioned by its owners, Permanent TSB, and it emerged, was even displaying a notice on screen to this effect.

When I went to the garage to check out the scene of the crime for myself, even the forensic guys examining the scene were chuckling at the good of it!

So, lets picture the scenario… 'Fingers' and 'Murphy' - as we shall call them, having decided to rob a 'Hole in The Wall', crept onto a building site and stole a little digger. They drove it across the road, and used it to pull out the machine – making bits of the wall in the process. They loaded the part that holds the money into a van, and scarpered, humming “We're in the money...!”

Imagine the looks on their faces when they went to count their 'takings'!

Not as much as a fiver.

These guys must be living in mortal fear – not that they'll be caught – but that if or when they are caught, they'll be brought to court, and named. Named and shamed. Named, as the two men who stole a digger and ripped out an ATM from a garage forecourt, and shamed, as two prize idiots who hadn't even the presence of mind to check the machine actually had money in it in the first place!

Cork's Dumbest Criminals, or what?

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