Speaking of the recession

In keeping with the national themes of frugality and banality that have gripped the nation as it try's to come to terms with recession I have decided to make a few changes in my own life so as not to feel left out. Since I don't have a helicopter that I have to keep under wraps in the hanger for fear of upsetting public sensitivities or indeed I don't even have a Rolex that I have to hide away in the bottom drawer; I had to be a bit more imaginative when it came to keeping up with or should that be down with the Jones'.

I have decided to tailor my vocabulary to suit these sombre times and I suggest you do likewise. Gone is my utility room, I never liked that name anyway so it was first for the chop and it has been replaced by the "back kitchen" which is a more elementary term that conjures up twin tubs and wash boards and somewhere you can hang your hair shirt! Patio is another word that doesn't belong in a recession so I have substituted that with "yard", so these days weather permitting we have our dinner in the yard or up the yard! When I go out I no longer ask for a portion of French fries to accompany my meal it's back to basic "chips" and I am working on the courage to ask a waitress for some "red sauce" to accompany them! But would an out-of-towner know what red sauce is? Sauce made from roux has been replaced with gravy thickened with Bisto in my new world.

I no longer go to Marks for the shopping or the groceries, I am now going to Dunnes for the "messages". Bacon is out and "rashers" are back in. A night out at the cinema or the movies has reverted to a night at the "pictures". Brunch has been completely wiped off my language list, if my first meal of the day is before midday it is classed as my breakfast anything after that is lunch.

Instead of suggesting an aperitif it will be a case once again of "will we have a quick drink before dinner?" and there will be no more offers of pinot grigio or sauvignon blanc instead it will be an offer of white wine. One term that I will be happy to see the back of is "my partner"… my partner – my arse.

Your partner is someone you do business with – not your husband, wife, girlfriend or boyfriend so if the recession means going back to basics in how we think and speak and if that includes losing that most irritating and irrational term it will almost (I said almost) have been worth it.