Mind yourself - how to sustain positive change

By Geraldine Fitzgerald

Stop smoking. Get fit. Get healthy. Take ‘you’ time. Work/life balance. Few of us dispute the notion of positive change, so why do we have such trouble keeping it up?

“It’s all in the mind-literally,” says Clinical Phycologist Dr Joanne Rolfe.

“Our life experiences and core beliefs are integral to our personality, regardless of how we appear on the outside. The true idea of self is locked deep in the brain – so deep that it’s unconscious, but it governs the way we act.”

We must believe that we are worth it. Really, deeply believe it, or we’re at risk of never changing behaviours that are damaging. Dr Rolfe works with many patients whose behaviours have turned harmful, who have lost compassion for themselves.

“Most maladaptive habits arise from a need to self-soothe in some way. Seeking comfort is normal for humans but doing so in behaviour that can be harmful is self-destructive. Subconsciously, we lack self-acceptance and don’t really think enough of ourselves to make positive change permanent,” she explains, “and it often means we end up blocking opportunities and self-sabotaging”.

“We’re not great at sitting with ourselves to take time for reflective space, and we’re so busy doing, rather than being, that we lack self-compassion. We respond to outside judgment and criticism, instead of being able to give ourselves an internal pat on the back.”

“We’ll ‘give up’ something – like cigarettes or unhealthy diets or whatever - to make a positive change, but because deep down we view it as abstinence and deprivation of the self-soothing method we relied on, it’s too hard to sustain.”

So how do we do it? If we make a list of goals to start on a Monday morning, why do so many of us throw in the towel by lunchtime? How can we make good and lasting change?

“Like a mechanic peering under the bonnet of the car to understand the inner workings to fix it, humans need to observe their own thoughts; then capture them and reframe them,” says Dr Rolfe.

“It’s about changing our mindset, which doesn’t happen overnight,” she says “and it requires mastery. Like mastering anything, it takes time and practice until it becomes automatic and instinctive.”

Thinking about ourselves used to be regarded as a bit self-indulgent, so it’s a new skill for lots of us. Some of us distract ourselves by keeping physically busy, or ruminating on negative issues, or tasks that need to be accomplished. Outside things.

The answer lies within us – a clichéd phrase perhaps, but profoundly true.

“Focus on breathing, and as you do, observe and monitor your thoughts,” suggests Dr Rolfe. “Monitoring your thoughts helps you to control them, and your emotions. It’s like conditioning a muscle. It’s okay to review and reset your goals if you need to – unreasonable goal setting is totally demoralising. No wonder you’ve thrown the towel in by lunchtime on a Monday!”

“Compassion and acceptance are pivotal to long term change, and that inner dialogue you have with yourself becomes kinder, self-worth becomes real, and you deserve good change. It all begins and ends with us.”

Dr Joanne Rolfe is a Clinical Psychologist at the HSE.