‘I’m grateful for the 19 years I had with him’

A Cork mother who lost her son more than 20 years ago has said you don't have to be an emotional expert to help those who are grieving.

Marian O’Mahony's comments came as Ireland marks Palliative Care Week this week for the 12th year, raising awareness of what palliative care offers and how to access local services.

She said: “I lost Brian 24 years ago. I’ve chosen to be grateful for the 19 years I had with him. I believe in a positive mindset,” she told the Cork Independent.

Her son Brian became ill at 18 and, just weeks after being diagnosed with Leukaemia, died in 2001.

Marian later wrote 'Goodbye, My Son', a book that shares his journey through terminal illness and provides an honest insight into coping with even the most devastating losses.

The book contains practical lessons and hope for anyone facing life-altering circumstances. It is also available for free as an audiobook on YouTube, helping people understand what palliative care means and how communities can support one another.

“We were an ordinary family in an ordinary place, yet when my son Brian became ill, I realised how little I knew about what to do. That’s why I wrote my book—not for people already in grief, but for those who haven’t faced it yet. If they read it, they might know how to support a neighbour, even with something as simple as dropping in a voucher for a pizza or cutting the grass. You don’t have to be an emotional expert to help.”

What makes palliative care different is its focus on what matters most to the person.

She said: “When Brian’s birthday was coming, I didn’t want him stuck in bed. The hospice staff gave him steroids so he could get up and go to the pub for an hour. That wouldn’t have happened in hospital. They ask: What matters to you now? If your goal is to attend a child’s communion, go to the seaside, or simply sit in the sun, they’ll try everything to make it happen.”

Marian’s faith in purpose and acceptance runs through everything she said.

“I also believe that life is a kind of journey—we come here for a reason, to learn something, and when that purpose is fulfilled, we go. It’s hard, but that belief helps. None of us live forever. Even at 90, people don’t want to die, but it’s part of life. Now that I’m 70, many of my friends don’t even want to talk about the fact there’s less time left. But I think acknowledging it helps. It’s not about fighting endlessly against death. It’s about accepting it as part of life," she added.

She says palliative care supports the whole circle, not just the person who is ill.

She continued: “One person’s death usually affects about 10 people—family, close friends, colleagues. If the death is peaceful, it’s easier for those left behind to heal. Palliative care is not just about the patient—it supports the family too. It gives practical help with social services, financial matters, emotional support.”

She has also seen harm when support is delayed: “I’ve seen cases where people resisted palliative care. A friend’s wife wouldn’t accept she was dying. She ended up in an emergency ward, on a trolley, in her last days. Her family were angry at the hospital, but really, the problem was the refusal to accept hospice care. Palliative care is not about ‘giving up’; it’s about living as fully as possible until the end, with treatment, with dignity, with comfort.”

Policy, she said, is shifting in the right direction.

She explained: “Recently, the HSE launched a National Adult Palliative Care Policy Implementation Plan. One of its key goals is to help people die where they wish. The statistics are stark: about 83% of people would like to die at home, yet only 22% actually do. Many end up in hospital at the very end. The plan aims to change that by providing better support in communities, nursing homes, and local hospitals.”

Marian is clear-eyed about gaps that still hurt families.

“I do see gaps between the public and private systems. For example, in private hospitals, palliative care beds exist, but they don’t always connect with Marymount or other specialist services. Families can end up frustrated, unsure of who is responsible," she said.

For many in Cork, Marymount Hospice is a lifeline she said: “Everyone wants to be there if palliative care is needed, because of the support it offers families. Both of my daughters-in-law lost parents in Marymount and spoke of the dignity, care, and compassion shown. Even small rituals, like staff lining the hall in silence as a patient’s body is taken out, meant a great deal. Those gestures ease the grief of families, reminding them their loved one mattered.”

Palliative care, Marian stressed, is not only for the last days added that it supports people with life-limiting illnesses for years.

"A friend’s husband has been in palliative care for over three years with heart failure. With careful monitoring and medication, he has avoided hospital stays and lived a meaningful life at home," she said.

She added: “In the past, hospice services were only available from 9 to 5, leaving families unsupported overnight or at weekends. That has improved, but it still needs to be expanded so people can access care around the clock. Another major issue is access to medication at home. Too often, families find themselves scrambling for prescriptions at the last minute—sometimes losing precious time while a loved one deteriorates or dies before medication arrives.”

Marian also spoke about a system used in Northern Ireland, where households are provided with locked boxes of pre-prepared medications. This allows doctors to authorise the next stage of treatment immediately, preventing frantic last-minute pharmacy runs.

“In the end, palliative care is about dignity, choice, and compassion. It asks: What do you want in this time you have left? And then it does everything possible to make that happen. That is the real gift it gives, both to patients and to those who love them.”

Meanwhile a new all-island study has found a serious gap in public awareness of local palliative care supports. Research from Queen’s University Belfast, in collaboration with the All Ireland Institute of Hospice and Palliative Care (AIIHPC), revealed knowledge of services close to home scored just 60.4%. This includes care for people with serious progressive illness, those nearing the end of life, family carers, and people who are grieving. Nearly one in three people thought they knew more than they actually did. Encouragingly, 83.7% said they want to learn more.